Kabhi Kabaar- a blog by Deepti

Why be a parent?

2008-11-29T18:37:00Z

Why be a parent?

That is a big question I have been asking myself over the last 2 years as my husband and I talk about having children. In my search to find an answer to this question I have asked him why he wants to be a father, I have asked his mother why she had children, I have asked my parents, I have asked other friends who are parents- WHY!!!

I don’t really have a good answer, so I struggle because I enjoy playing with children and sometimes taking care of them and teaching them stuff. But that doesn’t (in my mind) mean that I “want” to have children. Sure as a woman I have the reproductory organs, but I don’t HAVE to use them. I am straight female and have a husband – but that doesn’t mean I should have a child or even two. So, why to have children? And just because I ask this question- does this mean that I don’t have motherly instincts and am in some way a defected piece of womanhood? I don’t think so, I certainly hope not.

Being a parent is a lifetime commitment and a BIG responsibility. I don’t take it lightly. I ask myself am I ready to take on the numerous challenges that parenthood brings with it? Am I ready to make sacrifices? My parent friends tell me that they happily make what I call sacrifices because in reality they are just doing what in their eyes is highest priority- taking care of this little child who depends on you and gives you meaning. But I have seen people get engulfed in taking care of their children. And I am ready to do that when I understand the larger philosophical reason for even bringing a new human being into this world. A few years before I got married, I asked my father- “why should one get married?” He thought for a bit and then said- “ as you get older your friends get busy with their own lives and careers. You want someone who is going to be your companion and experience life with you.” Somehow, that made sense to me and I became more open to the idea of getting married. Yes, until then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married. I didn’t see any point in it. It was a commitment that brought you a lot of responsibilities and made you adjust to the other person etc.. Why bother? Just live life as you would and have friends. But what my father said- somehow sunk into me in a way that I can’t explain.

So, with this whole idea of being a parent- I struggle because I don’t really have a philosophy for it. For when times become challenging in your life as a parent- what is it that keeps you committed and focused? What is it that you think about and tell yourself- Yes, xyz is the reason why I chose to do this, and that xyz can help you ground yourself and not freak out? I may be foolish in looking for something like this, but this is where I am.

My husband says he wants a child so he can teach him/her what he knows and make a good human being to add to this earth. He wants to see himself in a way in his child. I think that is egotistical and not really a good reason for having a child. For me ‘Having a child’ = ‘BIG responsibility’. I just think his reason is trivial and fluffy. But he knows for sure he wants to have kids.

My mother-in-law says she had kids because that’s what you did. You didn’t ask such questions as to why. She is happy she had kids and that is that. In her mind, my question seems stupid or trivial perhaps.

My mother says she had kids because that’s what you did. But in retrospect, she wonders what she would have done if she had a choice. If she had a choice about marrying someone she didn’t know, and about having children- she may have made a different choice. I am glad she brought me into this world though, so for my sake I am happy she made (or didn’t have the choice to make) the choices she made.

My father doesn’t really have anything profound to say on this matter- I was so hoping he would. But alas! Some life lessons we have to learn on our own.

Parent-friends say, they wouldn’t change a thing. It is the most wonderful experience they have had. It is this that and everything else. It sounds gibberish to me. I want specifics, I think. These parent-friends, they are making a lot of choices and I am sure making a lot of sacrifices for these children. Some happily and I wonder perhaps some not so happily. So, why take on this responsibility?

I believe that if you are going to have a child- you need to make sure you truly cater to that child’s needs. And make whatever sacrifices you need to make for the well-being of this child. So, don’t get me wrong- I do love children and think they should be well taken care of. But this is why I ask the WHY question. If I am going to take on such a responsibility, I need to know at the end of a long hard day, why I chose to put myself through this. And not just me, but my life-partner and our marriage.

People tell me, ‘when you have your own you will understand’. But that will be too late!!! I want to know before I commit. Is there anything wrong in that? I am not a heartless person if I ask such questions, am I? I don’t think so. I think I might even make a great parent, but what’s the hook? What is the sales pitch? What’s the thing that makes it all worth while? Especially because my husband and I are artists, so we really have a lot at stake here. It is not an easy decision.

Even as I write this I am thinking of moments when I wish I had kids. For instance, on July 4^th, Larry (my hubby) and I were in Normal, IL, where his parents live. Larry’s older brother’s two kids were with us that evening as we went to see local fireworks. Watching Larry’s parents play with their grandkids and seeing how much the grandkids were enjoying and learning from their grandparents made me want to have kids the next day. Or when my close cousin sister comes back from Singapore with her 2.5 year old son, and my father sits him on his lap in the taxi from the airport and talks to him and later tells me joyously what Arjun could or couldn’t say, it makes me want to have a child that my father can teach things to. So, I am not heartless. I see that our parents won’t be here forever, and they have so much to offer in love and education to my future kids. I didn’t really know my fraternal grandparents and my maternal grandparents were too far away for us to visit them often. So, I understand what it is like to yearn for grandparents and have that person who is above my parents and can even scold my parents. I would love to give that joy to my parents and to Larry’s parents.

But then that sounds too sentimental. And sentiments don’t carry you through a tough day with the kids or career choices you have to make because of your kids. So, this is why I ask what I ask. Funny enough, I have promised my parents and many other relatives that we will have our first child in 2010. Well, there is family pressure to have kids, of course. Two of my closest cousins (both younger than me) have already had one child each. Another cousin is working on it. Many friends around us have had kids in the last couple of years. My best friend in India is pregnant with her second child. I want that too, but why do I want that? I don’t know. Is it what someone may call maternal instincts? Or is it my biological clock? Biological clock- which defies all logic & reasoning except the logic of the bio or the body!

I wish I knew why it is significant for people to have kids. I am sure Larry and I will make a very interesting baby. We have thought of all permutations and combinations of features the baby might end up with. And that can be a fun thing, but really the fun ends after a few months or may be even weeks. After that the reality kicks in and you have to figure out day-care, or trips to India when you can’t just buy two tickets for the two parents because now the child is too old to be in your lap. Would that make going home a challenge? How would I deal with that emotionally? I want to see my parents as much as possible. This child can take that away from me? See, I don’t want to think this way, but these would be the things that will make knowing WHY I HAD THE CHILD important. So, I can tell myself, well you wanted xyz, and look now….you have to make a choice.

Well, these are my thoughts on a Saturday afternoon in November 2008. A day after the terrorist attack and hostage situation in Mumbai has come to a close; still unresolved in many ways. And as I think of the world we live in, I again wonder, why would I want to bring another human being into this world and make them experience these awful things? If I don’t have children, it will be one less person who has to endure or participate in such things. Is this the world in which I want to bring a new person? I don’t know. Well, I do. The answer is NO. I don’t want my child to live in a world like this. But then there are also beautiful things to experience in this world. Like, when my parents get emotional and cry during a film, or when my husband writes a play and feels great about it, or when I talk passionately about something, or when my younger sister scolds me but you can see the ocean of love well up in her eyes. Or cliché things but true, like the first snow-fall, a beautiful monsoon rainfall, a sunny afternoon in Delhi winter when you sit under the sun and peel off peanut and oranges, or to see the Eiffel Tower for the first time, or to see the beautiful California sunset.

I don’t know. I don’t know why to be a parent. I can’t wait to find out, because the truth is…I would love to be a parent……ah life! Or ah my brain…….!!!

It has been a while

2008-07-18T20:55:00Z

It has been a while since I came to my own blog, so I am not surprised that no one else came.

Writing a blog is difficult for me. I don't always feel comfortable sharing personal feelings. Especially when I don't know who might read it.

Life has been good. This summer I experienced a little Reiki with a friend's mother, who is a Master. It is a wonderful way to experience life. Difficult to adopt, but if you can- a great way to pass through this world. I started on my path recently.

This summer has been slow, which gave me the time and focus to read. I am reading three books. I never thought I would be the kind of person who juggles while reading books, but what do we mortals know, eh?

Life as an artist is fascinating to say the least. As a friend said recently, if you are not okay with the idea of not knowing, then you may not be in the right profession. In this age of knowledge through the internet, where any information is available at your finger tips, we still don't know so much. But we forget that.

Science and technology makes us believe we can know everything, but we can never really know human beings. And as long as that variable exists, we will remain in the unknown. I don't know how you will respond to this blog entry. I can speculate, but I can never know.

On that note....goodbye till the next time I have an urge to write here.

Making BIG Choices

2007-03-28T18:24:00Z

I was watching Sanjaya Malakar on American Idol yesterday (March 27th 2007), and thought about how he is handling all that is going on in his life right now. What does he think about? How does he feel?

And then he came out with a mohawk made out of all of his hair that made me cringe. I thought "this is it this guy has lost it". But then he performed and it suited him. He seemed to embrace what the competition has brought him, and he is running with it. I am not saying he is a good singer, let alone a great one. But what amazes me about him is his spirit. He is young and at such an age he is dealing with National embarassment. And he is making BIG choices every week because he seems to not care anymore. He is out there, and having fun while he is at it.

I almost felt jealous of him then. In graduate school all the teachers tell us to make BIG choices. I still have a hard time figuring out what that means when a specific audition comes around. We can't all adorn a mohawk! So, what does it mean to make BIG choices- whether in life or in your career as an actor or otherwise? Why do we have to make BIG choices?

All I can say is Sanjaya has inspired me to at least try to make sense of it, as opposed to running away from it. There all these sayings: "Live your life Kingsize" (a cigarette advertisement), "Dream big", etc. (you all are welcome to add to the list). How does one do it? Am I already living my life KINGSIZE? If not, how can I make it happen? Do I have to live my life that way? If not, is there something wrong with me? Phew....

I can say honestly, I do want to live LARGE (not sure is that is a saying). I think we all want that. But something keeps us from it. Some of us live small lives so others can live largely. But then is that just a convenient way to allow yourself not to try? hmm.....

Well, all I have are questions...... LARGE answers are welcome! Okay...I will take small ones too. What is the saying beauty comes in small peices? Or life happens in small peices? Dammit.....I will always be an immigrant! English is my second language, even though these days I speak it 100% of the time. Okay, I need to stop now. All your thoughts are welcome. I would love to hear what you all have to say.

A Documentary

2007-03-27T18:13:00Z

Dear friends,

I want to make a documentary, and I need help from you if you are an actor, or know an actor.

Documentary is about how actors deal with dry phases in their professional lives.

Why I want to make this: I am going through a dry phase right now. I have gone through many before. Everytime I have a weird experience with it. I feel helpless at having a handle at it. In any way possible. It almost paralyses me. So, I want to interview actors (all races and ages) to find out how they deal with it. At the end of it all I hope to get a better understanding of the profession of acting, and a better handle on the demon called the dry spell. I want to learn from fellow actors what I have been unable to figure out on my own. I also hope that this will help many other actors who feel like me. Also, it may be a very good tool for beginning actors to know. Many people joine the industry on a whim, and this may be able to give them a better understanding of the profession they are about to embark upon. At least that is the hope.

So, here is how you can help me.

· I would like to interview you or an actor you know.

· Ideally, I would like to interview the actor in their apartment or a place that they feel is very safe and their own.

· I will need about 2 hours of their time.

· I would like to know a little bit about them before I meet, so I may want to talk to them on the phone or via email.

· I have my own camera, but I may use existing light in their apartment and move it a bit.

· If they don't mind, I might want to interview their partner or children. This is a may be.

· This an independent documentary, with no hope to make any money out of it. if there ever occurs any opportunity to make money from it, I will figure out how we can all partake in that. This is something I need to learn more about, so if you know anything abouot this, please let me know.

· Any advice or suggestions are welcome.

Thanks so much for your help. Please feel free to email me.

Best,

Deepti Gupta

www.deeptigupta.com

Finally something interesting

2007-03-19T01:03:00Z

To begin truly writing a blog let me begin with what I am doing these days.

Well, I am taking an Improv for Actors class at the PIT in New York City. We improvise from stage pictures we create. This is difficult to explain, but the classes are a lot of fun. There are only 5 of us in the class. We are not learning to be funny just for the sake of being funny. It is more about being honest to your partner, your situation, and your character, and see what happens. We are supposed to do a final showing when the class comes to an end. I shall post more information on that later.

Other than that, I am teaching Hindi at ABC Language School. I do this to make extra money on the side. It has been slow since this year started. I hope it picks up.

My husband, Larry Pontius, is a writer. Here is a link to his web-blog. http://myspace.com/larrypontius
He is a wonderful writer. These days he is writing a new play (reading on March 26th), and a Pakistani TV Soap.

As for me, I am looking for more work, and as always trying to keep a positive outlook.

Till next time.... as I heard somewhere: "Follow Your Fears"

What can I say

2006-08-27T12:52:00Z

So, I just created this blog. Hopefully I won't leave it empty.

I have many ideas on projects I would like to do, but I haven't done anything about them yet.

May be this blog will prove to be a platform for me to hash out my ideas.

Until next time....