Why be a parent?
I don’t really have a good answer, so I struggle because I enjoy playing with children and sometimes taking care of them and teaching them stuff. But that doesn’t (in my mind) mean that I “want” to have children. Sure as a woman I have the reproductory organs, but I don’t HAVE to use them. I am straight female and have a husband – but that doesn’t mean I should have a child or even two. So, why to have children? And just because I ask this question- does this mean that I don’t have motherly instincts and am in some way a defected piece of womanhood? I don’t think so, I certainly hope not.
Being a parent is a lifetime commitment and a BIG responsibility. I don’t take it lightly. I ask myself am I ready to take on the numerous challenges that parenthood brings with it? Am I ready to make sacrifices? My parent friends tell me that they happily make what I call sacrifices because in reality they are just doing what in their eyes is highest priority- taking care of this little child who depends on you and gives you meaning. But I have seen people get engulfed in taking care of their children. And I am ready to do that when I understand the larger philosophical reason for even bringing a new human being into this world. A few years before I got married, I asked my father- “why should one get married?” He thought for a bit and then said- “ as you get older your friends get busy with their own lives and careers. You want someone who is going to be your companion and experience life with you.” Somehow, that made sense to me and I became more open to the idea of getting married. Yes, until then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married. I didn’t see any point in it. It was a commitment that brought you a lot of responsibilities and made you adjust to the other person etc.. Why bother? Just live life as you would and have friends. But what my father said- somehow sunk into me in a way that I can’t explain.
So, with this whole idea of being a parent- I struggle because I don’t really have a philosophy for it. For when times become challenging in your life as a parent- what is it that keeps you committed and focused? What is it that you think about and tell yourself- Yes, xyz is the reason why I chose to do this, and that xyz can help you ground yourself and not freak out? I may be foolish in looking for something like this, but this is where I am.
My husband says he wants a child so he can teach him/her what he knows and make a good human being to add to this earth. He wants to see himself in a way in his child. I think that is egotistical and not really a good reason for having a child. For me ‘Having a child’ = ‘BIG responsibility’. I just think his reason is trivial and fluffy. But he knows for sure he wants to have kids.
My mother-in-law says she had kids because that’s what you did. You didn’t ask such questions as to why. She is happy she had kids and that is that. In her mind, my question seems stupid or trivial perhaps.
My mother says she had kids because that’s what you did. But in retrospect, she wonders what she would have done if she had a choice. If she had a choice about marrying someone she didn’t know, and about having children- she may have made a different choice. I am glad she brought me into this world though, so for my sake I am happy she made (or didn’t have the choice to make) the choices she made.
My father doesn’t really have anything profound to say on this matter- I was so hoping he would. But alas! Some life lessons we have to learn on our own.
Parent-friends say, they wouldn’t change a thing. It is the most wonderful experience they have had. It is this that and everything else. It sounds gibberish to me. I want specifics, I think. These parent-friends, they are making a lot of choices and I am sure making a lot of sacrifices for these children. Some happily and I wonder perhaps some not so happily. So, why take on this responsibility?
I believe that if you are going to have a child- you need to make sure you truly cater to that child’s needs. And make whatever sacrifices you need to make for the well-being of this child. So, don’t get me wrong- I do love children and think they should be well taken care of. But this is why I ask the WHY question. If I am going to take on such a responsibility, I need to know at the end of a long hard day, why I chose to put myself through this. And not just me, but my life-partner and our marriage.
People tell me, ‘when you have your own you will understand’. But that will be too late!!! I want to know before I commit. Is there anything wrong in that? I am not a heartless person if I ask such questions, am I? I don’t think so. I think I might even make a great parent, but what’s the hook? What is the sales pitch? What’s the thing that makes it all worth while? Especially because my husband and I are artists, so we really have a lot at stake here. It is not an easy decision.
Even as I write this I am thinking of moments when I wish I
had kids. For instance, on July 4th, Larry (my hubby) and I were in
But then that sounds too sentimental. And sentiments don’t
carry you through a tough day with the kids or career choices you have to make
because of your kids. So, this is why I ask what I ask. Funny enough, I have
promised my parents and many other relatives that we will have our first child
in 2010. Well, there is family pressure to have kids, of course. Two of my
closest cousins (both younger than me) have already had one child each. Another
cousin is working on it. Many friends around us have had kids in the last
couple of years. My best friend in
I wish I knew why it is significant for people to have kids.
I am sure Larry and I will make a very interesting baby. We have thought of all
permutations and combinations of features the baby might end up with. And that
can be a fun thing, but really the fun ends after a few months or may be even
weeks. After that the reality kicks in and you have to figure out day-care, or
trips to
Well, these are my thoughts on a Saturday afternoon in November 2008. A day after the terrorist attack and hostage situation in Mumbai has come to a close; still unresolved in many ways. And as I think of the world we live in, I again wonder, why would I want to bring another human being into this world and make them experience these awful things? If I don’t have children, it will be one less person who has to endure or participate in such things. Is this the world in which I want to bring a new person? I don’t know. Well, I do. The answer is NO. I don’t want my child to live in a world like this. But then there are also beautiful things to experience in this world. Like, when my parents get emotional and cry during a film, or when my husband writes a play and feels great about it, or when I talk passionately about something, or when my younger sister scolds me but you can see the ocean of love well up in her eyes. Or cliché things but true, like the first snow-fall, a beautiful monsoon rainfall, a sunny afternoon in Delhi winter when you sit under the sun and peel off peanut and oranges, or to see the Eiffel Tower for the first time, or to see the beautiful California sunset.
I don’t know. I don’t know why to be a parent. I can’t wait to find out, because the truth is…I would love to be a parent……ah life! Or ah my brain…….!!!
Hi Deepti:
Thanks for sending me the facebook message to come and read your blog. I will do more thinking and respond later, all of my initial answers fall in the "sentimental" category. But I wanted to send you to this blog I wrote last year after a NLP at your place. You are the one who questioned why then, the others there were Kim and Christa. We talked about Elena. Anyway, I think there is some good genuine answers there. I guess just cut and paste this into your browser-
http://segullah.org/small-epiphanies/why-would-you/
Happy Saturday in November. :-)
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Oh, looks like the link works. Great.
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You are not the only one who asks this question. Not having kids is also a choice, but those who make it face a lot of social condemnation, especially women in our "fertile" years. It was easy for me to choose not to have kids because I really don't have that maternal attraction to children you describe. I also have concerns about human impact on the environment, and consider 6.5 billion humans more than enough (or too many - our numbers multiplied by our individual environmental impact have grave consequences) to keep the species going. Also I am aware of millions of existing children living in poverty; I can't morally justify making another human while so many others need care and resources right now.
But all that is easy for me to say, since I've never had the desire for kids in the first place. Most "childfree" people are childfree because they lack that desire, not for any philosophical reasons.
You might enjoy this "Why Breed" chart (scroll down a bit):
http://www.vhemt.org/biobreed.htm#instinct
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Hello Deepti:) Thanks for the blog entry. My wife and I didn't officially "plan" to bring a child into this world, but said if it happens, it happens. We were definitely both "ready". I definitely is a huge responsibility. I think too many people just have children to simply conquer the feat of having a child. Recently, I have had a number of friends who have had new children. Two of them have had children with birth defects. One just lost a child. I also have heard about friends who have had multiple miscarriages...etc. My child was born without a left hand. I mention these things because I know that a lot of people would just get rid of their baby if him or her wasn't fit for the standards of what most of society believes in. (A healthy baby that won't judged) I've always wanted to bring a child into this world,because I want my child to experience what life has to offer... I want to guide my child to eventually grow and become independent..to nurture and love others..etc. I had a conversation with a lot of my "actor" friends at an audition recently. We all had newborns. We all normally put our careers first, but we discussed how having a child makes what we strive to be in life look dismal. Having a child definitely motivates you in every thing you do and it helps you grow ...fast:) It has been a blast being a father. I feel proud to say I have a daughter. I can imagine how my wife felt carrying a baby inside her and finally having her. It's a blessing to watch them together every day.
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Sounds like no one is going to have a concrete enough answer to the "why" question. I know as I have grown older and still have no child I have asked similar questions. Being a parent really does shift the focus of your life immensely. Yet, I never doubted that I want to have one (note I said one). I believe that artistic endeavors could be fulfilling enough for some people to remain childless without regret. That is not the case for me, however. I am excited about the idea of sharing a life with Kelly and our child. I see the potential to reinvigorate my interest in learning things that I took for granted when I was younger, i.e. history, math, drawing, singing, etc. Can't wait to see everyday events experienced by someone for the first time and be reminded of how cool the simple things can be. I look forward to being challenged to be a better, more patient, more assertive person. As scary as the unknown can be and as much as we feel we need to be prepared for the responsibility of having a child, Kelly and I have agreed that in the next few years we will just go for it and trust that things will work out.
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Since you also asked me "the question" I guess you will have to read my reaction to your thoughts.
You state that you and your husband are artists and therefore have a lot at stake. ???? Do you have more at stake than we when we decided it was time to have children. Sure we could have failed but I think we succeeded admirably as judged by our children and so far two grandchildren. Watching your children grow and have success and sometime setbacks that they worked through is reward enough.
But then we sit around and talk about some of the fun things that happened during those growing up years. Someone going off to school in a top hat and tails in Normal, IL comes to mind. Oh and lest I forget, the Converse All Star High Tops didn't match but were different colors most days.
This is not a world where we are always given the answers we want. Sometimes we just have to have faith that it will work out. When you went off to Singapore and later to Texas did you ever wonder what would be the outcome. What could have gone wrong. You may have asked those questions but what ever the answer you made the trip and eventually became part of a Normal family. You had the strength to leave your family and go half way around the world and look what you found. A guy that you accused of being "really old" the first time you met him, who took the chance of having two children, one of them you married. Life makes crazy turns and being a parent definitely adds to the number but I wouldn't change the decision of having children. Besides how would I ever get my Hinkley Bermuda 40.
Love
Daddy ji
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see you struck a chord here: if you thought about it out load to your loved ones and in print, then you're ready as ready can be! you'll make a great mommy ~ my two cents :)
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i, myself, as i get closer to the Age of Having Kids (which some might say I had passed already, but I would disagree) do not find myself eager to have them. but i think this is a good thing, since i don't feel that i need kids to complete me, and so if i have them, i think i will be able to let them be their own people.
but, this is an over-populated world. it seems irresponsible to have children when so many kids need homes as it is.
my partner may want to give birth someday. they're going to be expensive. we have very little money. they're going to talk back at some point and have an attitude i'm not fond of. they're gonna short little people i can have fun with (at least until they grow up). -- so that puts the score at an even 2-2 so far. lol.
my friend who never had kids and is now in her 50s gave me a good reason that has stuck with me. she said that now that she's getting older, she and her husband don't have anyone to take care of them. that makes sense to me, though it's not to say i'll have kids so i have built-in senior care, cause god knows if my kids would (they would if i raise them right!) -- but it's something to think about.
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Hey, Bring this little Wonder to the world that you two 'artists' can create.Make me a 'mausi'.Hope u read through all the comments above they r worth !:)) Don't stop the vicious circle. Need more ideas?
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Dear Deepti, I went through your blog carefully.After reading it, I felt that at times, too much of thinking & excess of bogus logics - why, why, why - sound unhealthy.There are some natural flows of life - we should go with them without questioning their integrity. When U have got married - U must complete this beautiful phase of life by having a child. Married life is 'incomplete and meaningless' without having a child.It is a 'bliss' to let bloom your married life by having a baby. U are seeing only the one side of the coin - 'Responsibility' but not realising the enjoyment of carrying this 'lovely responsibility'.All the responsibilities and duties are not a 'stress' in life, instead, they ar very soothing - full of rare warmth, give new horizons to your life, make U a better person, more mature, more wise,more prosperous in every way.So, my dear, to add 'ultimate meaning' to your companionship with your hubby - be a proud 'mother' as well as make your husband a proud 'father' and see the ocean change in your life.By carrying the assumed burden
of 'Responsibility'- you are ignoring the brighter side of parenthood.So be brave and have a chirpy child and of course, as 'logical' as U are - who would also ask U tiresome questions and then through his querry sessions, U will get the answers of all your present querries..........
All the best !!
Deepti
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Amen, sister! These are exactly the conflicted feelings and thoughts I have, especially as my clock is ticking and I am currently single. Plus, as a lesbian, it's harder for me to get knocked up on accident so I and my future life partner will have to make a conscious decision. Hmmmm... And I'm an artist who is currently living very frugally. That may change, good things happen every day. At any rate, thank you for being so honest about these questions.
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