I was watching Sanjaya Malakar on American Idol yesterday (March 27th 2007), and thought about how he is handling all that is going on in his life right now. What does he think about? How does he feel?

And then he came out with a mohawk made out of all of his hair that made me cringe. I thought "this is it this guy has lost it". But then he performed and it suited him. He seemed to embrace what the competition has brought him, and he is running with it. I am not saying he is a good singer, let alone a great one. But what amazes me about him is his spirit. He is young and at such an age he is dealing with National embarassment. And he is making BIG choices every week because he seems to not care anymore. He is out there, and having fun while he is at it.

I almost felt jealous of him then. In graduate school all the teachers tell us to make BIG choices. I still have a hard time figuring out what that means when a specific audition comes around. We can't all adorn a mohawk! So, what does it mean to make BIG choices- whether in life or in your career as an actor or otherwise? Why do we have to make BIG choices?

All I can say is Sanjaya has inspired me to at least try to make sense of it, as opposed to running away from it. There all these sayings: "Live your life Kingsize" (a cigarette advertisement), "Dream big", etc. (you all are welcome to add to the list). How does one do it? Am I already living my life KINGSIZE? If not, how can I make it happen? Do I have to live my life that way? If not, is there something wrong with me? Phew....

I can say honestly, I do want to live LARGE (not sure is that is a saying). I think we all want that. But something keeps us from it. Some of us live small lives so others can live largely. But then is that just a convenient way to allow yourself not to try? hmm.....

Well, all I have are questions...... LARGE answers are welcome! Okay...I will take small ones too. What is the saying beauty comes in small peices? Or life happens in small peices? Dammit.....I will always be an immigrant! English is my second language, even though these days I speak it 100% of the time. Okay, I need to stop now. All your thoughts are welcome. I would love to hear what you all have to say.